Punny Money

Adding a punchline to your bottom line

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Fat People and Smokers Actually Save You Money on Health Care

Aug 17, 2009 8:50pm

As our nation stands poised to usher in some sort of health care reform thingy, I can’t help but be reminded of some simple facts: Better health care makes people live longer. People living longer makes the Earth more crowded. The Earth more crowded means even longer lines at the DMV. So it could...

Punny Poll #35: Can You Survive on Five-Day-A-Week Mail?

Jul 30, 2009 9:10pm

Last week’s month’s… uh, last year’s (crap, sorry) Punny Poll asked how bad weather had affected your finances. If you can remember back to last year, the entire Midwest of the United States was destroyed by a torriquake, a diabolical combination of a tornado, hurricane, and earthquake formulated by out-of-work...

Why Writing “See ID” on Credit Cards Is The Worst Thing You Can Do

Jul 23, 2009 7:51pm

Yes, even worse than beating puppies. Because credit cards won’t grow up to pee on your slippers. Unless you have Capital One. Back in high school, I did a stint in retail selling greeting cards and balloons. It was absolute hell for three reasons: Try tying 300 latex balloons every day. I...

10 Bad Driving Habits You Should Pick Up Now That Gas Is Cheap Again

Apr 8, 2009 7:30pm

After several years of almost unexplainable rate hikes, one after another, the price of oil has finally settled to previous levels, and sub-two-dollar gasoline has returned. Of course, even as I type that sentence, I can hear the gas station attendants down the road getting out their reachy sticks and...

Sliders: Mankind’s Most Worthless Food

Mar 16, 2009 1:57pm

You know those tiny burgers you can get in some places that come on their own tiny little buns with tiny little hamburger patties and tiny little puddles of condiments? Yeah, I’m talking about sliders, and I purposely linked to the default Wikipedia article on “sliders” which is really about...

How to Save Your Safe Deposit Box From All the People Trying to Steal It

Dec 16, 2008 12:05pm

I don’t want to alarm anybody, but at this very moment, someone is trying to steal your money. Let that statement soak in for a minute. Are you alarmed? You should be, even though I told you not to be. Now I bet you’re wondering what has transpired to cause me...

12 Guilt-Free Things You Should Be Stealing From Work

Nov 30, 2008 6:38pm

Let me preface this by saying that I do not in any way condone stealing things that don’t belong to you. I do, however, thoroughly condone stretching the definition of “belonging to you” to include some things which don’t really belong to anyone, like love and air, but not things...

How Krispy Kreme and Starbucks Gave Obama The Election (With Bonus Freebie Quest!)

Nov 4, 2008 9:15pm

Bear with me for a second while I spout some nonsensical conspiracy theories. As most of you already knew from reading so-called “reputable news sites,” Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and various other retailers gave away freebies on Election Day to people bearing “I Voted” stickers. You might think such a move is...

Forgot The Candy? Here Are Some Do-It-Yourself Goodies for Trick-or-Treaters

Oct 30, 2008 8:48pm

If you’re like me, you have mixed feelings about Halloween. On the one hand, it’s a fun little holiday where you can dress up your kids in all the different outfits of occupations you wanted to be when you grew up like doctor, call girl, and werewolf. You also get...

Charitable Giving At Work May Rob Your Charities

Oct 23, 2008 4:52pm

You may be an employee of one of the thousands of companies throughout the United States which organizes workplace charitable giving campaigns—company-sponsored fund drives designed to encourage employees to donate their own money to various worthwhile charities. These campaigns come in many varieties, including charity-specific efforts (where all donations go...

Five Brand Name Products I Swear By (And Five I Swear At)

Oct 16, 2008 9:42pm

Those who know me well tend to describe my financial style using words like “frugal” and “budget-minded” and “cheap-ass tightwad.” And I will very readily confess to being all of the above. While my friends are out buying giant televisions and laser-guided hovercraft, I’m just as content at home playing...

How to Cure Obsessive-Compulsive 401(k) Checking

Oct 8, 2008 6:29pm

If you’re like me (you poor, depraved soul) then you’ve been checking your retirement accounts rather obsessively over the last few weeks thanks to headlines like “Dow Drops Below 10,000!” and “Is the Next Great Depression Right Around the Corner?” and “Lindsay Lohan Comes Out of the Closet.” Some anecdotal evidence...

Okay, Fine, I’ll Write About the Damn Financial Bailout

Sep 30, 2008 6:47pm

Today I found the following e-mail in my inbox: Dear Nick, How come you haven’t written anything about the horrible injustice that is the $700 BILLION DOLLAR bailout of stupid people? I’d love to see one of your cartoons about this topic too, but I’d also be interested in hearing what you...

Is One Gasoline Brand Better Than Another?

Sep 25, 2008 9:59pm

Like many bargain-hunting Americans, I can’t say that I’m particularly loyal to very many brands. I’ll buy Ragu spaghetti sauce if it’s on sale, Prego if it’s not, or just eat a tomato if they’re both too pricey. Heck, I don’t even favor one particular supermarket! I’m even less brand...

Punny Poll #34: How About This Weather We’ve Been Having?

Sep 18, 2008 8:51pm

Last week’s month’s decade’s Punny Poll was a quick little survey to see how everyone’s enjoying the comics I’ve been throwing up with each article. With a nearly 90% approval rating, I think it’s about time for the comics to run for political office! Almost 20% of you said I...